alone again and lonely

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i guess it is true that all good things must come to an end. i did not really believe that until it happen to me. it's been six weeks now since my partner - without prior indications in this direction - decided to end our 20 months' relationship. the reasons he gave, i still am trying to understand, work through it and make some sense out of it all. this was the man i had said would be the one i wish to spend the rest of my life with. he felt the same. almost a perfect solution - the only problem was that he lives about an hour's drive away, we had to overcome language and cultural differences and he's had to compete with my life's situation as single parent. not the easiest components for a blossoming relation, but none of these hurdles impossible to overcome.

for the first four weeks

after the break-up i tried communication in all forms, without any response. then suddenly an email to leave him alone, i had never given him first priority in my life and that it would be best to break all contact. for the time-being i accepted this, what else could i do? then he had to go for major surgery, and i was there at least twice a day, holding his hand, comforting him, just being there. him calling me by my pet name, him not wanting me to leave at night. then i brought up the subject of our break-up and mentioned that nothing could be amended. he said thank you, but basically "get lost". since his release from hospital i've sent i don't know how many messages i had sent (no response), went to visit twice (all very amicable) and even suggested to visit again. he said, he would contact me when he felt the time right, so basically giving me the choice of fingers to pick from.

i went to see him again

two days later, trying to explain that i wanted to be there for him, that i cared, that i missed him. i know his rehabilitation (he is already quite mobile, does shopping, is visiting friends for lunch and dinner) will take time, so i suggested i came for a visit, cook dinner and open a bottle of rosé. it took six hours for a response. he is being taken care of of his mother and tonight he will be with friends.

"with a broken heart i realise now"

that i will have to move on, work with the pain, rejection, false accusations, the black hole of depression, sadness and the feeling of exclusion and of course the idea that the break-up had been planned and orchestrated a long time before it actually took place.

my question is whether i will ever be able to trust someone so completely (did that during my first 16-year relationship and marriage), try to prevent my heart turning into stone and get over the hopelessness, pain and the feeling of having been played all along...

only time will tell!